The Road to El Dorado Review
by Villain84
Summary: The Nostalgia Critic reviews The Road to El Dorado. Oneshot. Script format. Rated T for language and suggestive themes. Enjoy! Please Review!


**Nostalgia Critic:** Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Say, do you remember _The Prince of Egypt_?

_(Clips from The Prince of Egypt play)_

**NC Voice Over:** Of course you do, especially if you watched my _Old Vs New_ on it, or my _Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics_. It was the first 2D animated film that _Dreamworks_ made, and was a huge hit, both with critics and at the box office. It did a great job telling the story of the _Exodus_ from the _Bible_, while still keeping it appropriate for kids. It had really lush and impressive animation and visuals, nice songs, and some great voice acting by big stars. It was a really impressive film, and to this day, is a totally underrated nostalgic classic.

**NC:** So naturally, after it's huge success, _Dreamworks_ wanted to stretch their legs some more, and see how far they could go with traditional animation. And what was the next thing they gave us? The bland, forgettable piece of crap known as _The Road to El Dorado_.

_(The song "El Dorado" sung by Elton John and Tim Rice starts playing while the_ title and clips for The Road to El Dorado are shown)

**NC VO: **Now, this movie didn't do well at the box office, and it didn't appeal to a lot of audiences or critics. But there are still a lot of people who liked and still like this movie. A lot of people consider it to be a great animated movie, and another underrated nostalgic classic. It does have a few strong points, but it's also got a lot of weak points, and we're going to look at those points today and see which side prevails!

So you got two guys out on a wild adventure, trying to find the lost Aztec city of gold, El Dorado, facing many dangers along the way. That sounds like an interesting setup there. Plus you trailer shows them fighting the rapid currents of a cave, being chased through the some city streets, and fighting a giant cougar statue!

**NC:** Especially if you were a kid, you would think that this movie is going to be awesome! Well my friends, prepare for a shit-load of disappointment. Let's get ready to explore _The Road to El Dorado_.

**NC VO:** So, we start off first with a little intro with an Elton John song about how El Dorado is an Aztec city of gold built by Gods, but we'll find out why that's important later.

So the story takes place in Spain in 1519, as we see that the Spanish Conquistadors are about to embark on their voyage to America.

**NC:** Oh, so this is a _history_ movie! Well, I hope it's more believable as some of the other history movies America's come out with! (Shows covers for _Anastasia_ and _Pocahontas_)

**NC VO:** They are being led by Hernando Cortes, voiced by Jim Cummings.

**Cortes:** Today, we set sail to conquer the new world! For Spain! For glory! For gold!

**NC:** Hey, listen to that! The leader of the invaders of to a new world is a gold-grubbing whore. Must... Resist... second Pocahontas joke... in a row!

**NC VO:** We then cut to our two main characters, Tulio and Miguel, voiced by Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh.

**NC:** What great choices for these characters! Just listen to how authentic their Spanish accents are!

**Tulio:** Seven!

**Miguel:** All Right!

**Tulio:** Yes! Partner!

**NC:** I know! It's like they're not even trying to sound Spanish!

**NC VO:** So, apparently, Tulio and Miguel are two wanted men who spend most of their time gambling in the street with loaded dice and running from the law, and the people they piss off.

**NC:** Why do they do this, you might ask? Where did it all begin? Well, we never get any real back-story from them, never hear about their pasts, or anything.

**NC VO:** And there's nothing really that interesting about them. They're just a couple of pussies trying to get rich, and that's about all there is to them. I guess later we find out that Tulio is more in it for the gold, while Miguel is more for the adventure, but that's about as deep as it gets.

So today, they're out gambling with... some fat guy, played by Tobin Bell.

**Zaragoza:** I got this.

**Tulio:** Ph- A map?

**Miguel:** A map!

**Zaragoza:** A map of the wonders of the new world.

**NC:** Yeah! A map to untold riches that I am... about to risk loosing to you guys!

**Miguel:** Tulio, look! El Dorado! The city of gold! It's going to be our destiny! Our fate!

**Tulio:** Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice!

(Miguel makes a bunch of puppy-dog faces at Tulio)

**NC:** Alright, I'll do it...

_THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO!_

**NC VO: **So they decide to roll for the map, but the fat guy doesn't trust their dice.

**Zaragoza:** Not with those! This time we use my dice.

**Jigsaw VO:** Now we will see if you are willing to look inward, rather than outward, to give up the one thing you rely on in order to go on living.

**Zaragoza:** Got a problem with that?

**NC VO:** So they play the game, and of course, after some suspense, they win the map!

**NC:** A-WHAAAA? Could it be fate? Nah. No. It's probably just dumb luck.

**NC VO:** And another thing I'd like to point out. After this scene, the fat guy doesn't show up for the rest of the movie!

**NC:** What the Hell is wrong with you, _Dreamworks_? You get a voice as awesome and iconic as Tobin Bell, and you only use him for _one_ scene? MORONS!

Well, I bet if they knew what his voice was going to become four years later, they would have used him more! (Show _Saw_ poster)

**NC VO:** Well anyway, the fat guy finds out about their loaded dice, so before the other gamblers get pissed, Tulio and Miguel seem to turn on each other.

**Miguel:** Oh, you better give them that money back or I'll- Un-guard! (Draws sword)

**Tulio:** Un-guard yourself, I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death! (Draws knife)... but not with that!

**NC:** Haha! It's a penis joke!

**NC VO:** So they have a little sword fight, but it turns out to be just a play for diversion, and they make their escape, right into a bull pen.

**Tulio:** I have a plan

**Miguel:** What is it?

**Tulio:** You... pet it...

**Miguel:** Yeah?

**Tulio:** And I'll... RUN!

**NC VO:** We get a little chase scene through the streets as the guards are soon after them. And while there are a couple funny moments during this chase, since we're just diving into the action without really getting to know our heros, it's kind of hard to care.

So they end up on one of Cortes's ships, and Cortes isn't too happy to see them.

**Cortes:** My crew was as carefully chosen as the decibels of Christ! And I will not tolerate stowaways.

**NC VO:** Yeah, the decibels of Jesus Christ. A reference that I'm sure every kid will get!

**Cortes:** You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more! And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives! To the brigade!

**NC:** You have to admit, this is pretty chilling.

**Miguel:** Alright, Cuba!

**NC:** What? You just got an awesome performance from Cummings, you're his prisoner, and all you can think about is Cuba?

So in the cell, they try to come up with a way to escape.

**Miguel:** So, how do we get on deck?

**Tulio:** In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats...

**Miguel:** Oh, great!

**Tulio:** Well, Okay, what's your idea, smart guy?

**Miguel:** Wh-What do you mean? Don't ask me that? You're the one with the plans!

**NC VO:** A lot of their dialogue is like this. It really is like they're an old married couple working out vacation plans. It doesn't really surprise me by now that so many fans of this movie think they're gay.

So they eventually an apple drops down their way, and they use it to tempt the captain's horse to trade them the keys for it. The plan works and they sneak out at night.

But for some reason, they forget to give the horse his apple. Why did they wait so long for that? Why didn't they just give it to him right after they got the keys? If I were the horse, I would have been pissed and ratted them out right away!

But when they do give him the apple, he slips off the edge of the boat into the water.

**Tulio:** Holy Ship!

**NC:** (Chuckles) I wish I could come up with a clever pun before I swear right before a huge marine vessel is about to crush me!

(Clips of Tulio and Miguel fumbling with the boat, trying to get it right-side up again back up again)

**NC VO:** So after that little mishap, and a little more bickering...

**Miguel:** Tulio, look on the positive side, at least things can't get- (it starts raining sporadically, NC giggles in the background)

**Tulio:** 'Cuse me, were-were you going to say worse?

**NC:** I'm sorry I keep laughing, it's just that... this movie is just... it's funny, okay? It's genuinely funny!

**NC VO:** Actually, you know what, there are some people who find this movie funnier as adults than they did as kids, and that almost suggests, along with some of the content we'll see later, that this movie was intended for a more grown-up audience.

But I digress. So they drift across the ocean for a while, they get worn out, some _hilarity_ is thrown in, until they finally drift upon a new island. And they react the same way you would expect a bunch of guys to react after being lost at sea for God knows when.

(Clip of Miguel, Tulio and Altivo (horse) kissing the beach until they stumble upon the skeletons)

**Tulio:** All in favor of getting back in the boat say "Aye"!

**NC:** Wouldn't you rather take your chances with these natives, wherever they are, then go back out to sea and die?

**NC VO:** Well anyway, Miguel looks around for a moment, compares it to the map he still has, and sees that they are on the road to El Dorado. At first Tulio thinks he's crazy and doesn't want to go, they argue some more, and soon he's on board too, and they head off across...

**Miguel:** That trail that we blaze!

**NC:** So now, you think "Alright! Great! We're finally on the road!" So now you expect some wild, daring adventures as they come face to face with the dangers of the jungle!

Well, guess what? We just skim through all of that with an Elton John montage!

**Background Singer:** We got a little Elton John montage! Montages are used to skip all the boring stuff! There's probably something here to develop our main characters, but no, it's just more hilarity! Nothing you would wanna see! Just wait, and we'll stop when the important stuff comes... on the trail we blaze!

**NC VO:** Finally, they stumble across a giant stone tablet, which the map ends at, and they think they've been gipped off.

**Tulio:** Apparently, El Dorado is native for great... big... ROCK!

**NC VO:** Just before they leave, they are approached by (Chell and the guards approach) this girl being chased by some neat-looking guards.

To be honest, this is a pretty good scene right here. The guards don't say a word, they just point their spears, Tulio tries to talk to them with english, and then he and the chick play hot potato with this golden egg thing.

And at first you think they're being realistic, and these natives don't speak english, and you wonder how they're going to overcome that... prepare for disappointment people.

So the guards take Tulio and Miguel under the waterfall and through the caves until they are finally brought to-

**Tulio, Miguel, and Altivo:** El Dorado!

**NC VO:** Wait, did the horse just talk?

So as we gaze at the lovely city, there's still some suspense, still some misleading that these natives don't speak english, still some wondering what they're going to do to our heroes, almost for an annoyingly long time. Until...

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Behold! As the prophesies fortold! The time of judgment is now!

**NC:** (Grunting) Oh, of course they speak english! What did you think we were going to not rip-off _Pocahontas_ again and keep the language barrier up somehow? Well, I guess they just had to...

**Grandmother Willow:** (Singing) Listen with your heart, you will understand.

**NC VO:** So anyway, now we are introduced to our side characters. We got that girl from before, but we'll get to her later, a fat chief, and a priest named Tzekel-Kahn.

**Kirk:** KAAAAAAAAHHHHN!

**NC:** (Angry) DON'T you start with that!

**NC VO:** So, apparently, if you pay attention, because Tulio and Miguel came in riding on their horse, they looked like the people's Gods in a tablet. So they think that Tulio and Miguel ARE their Gods in human form.

**NC:** (Sarcastically) Of course! It's so obvious! They have pale skin, wear completely different clothes, and ride on a creature we've never seen before! It's a mirror image!

**Chief Tannabok:** What names may we call you?

**NC:** Well that's kind of weird. They don't even know the names of their own Gods? Can you imagine what their church service is like?

**NC (Dressed as a priest, holding a Bible):** And thank you what's-your-face for doing... whatever you did for us! Amen!

**NC VO:** Miguel and Tulio argue again, trying to plan out their next move, just as a volcano is about to erupt. Luckily though, the volcano seems to be on their side and reverses its eruption and- wait, what?

(Shows clip of Miguel and Tulio arguing, and the volcano brewing as they do so, but then it unerupts as Tulio exclaims "Stop!")

**NC:** ...What the Hell?

...

How did that happen? Movie, that does not happen! Volcanoes don't just spontaneously erupt and unerupt like that! You need to explain how that happened!

**NC VO:** What, were the real Gods just fucking around with the people and wanted to trick them into thinking the gay white boys were Gods?

**NC:** (Takes a deep breath)... alright, maybe I'm over thinking this small detail. Or it would be small if it didn't effect what Tulio and Miguel do next!

**NC VO:** Tulio and Miguel decide to go along with the people's stupidity and pretend they're Gods as the chief and Tzekel-Kahn lead them up to their temple.

**Miguel:** Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and Powerful-

**Both:** Gods!

**Chel:** Hello!

**Guys:** Ah!

**NC VO:** And this is where we really get to meet the, hot chick of the movie, I guess.

**NC:** Oh, yeah. I've seen the fanbase for this movie. Apperantly, a lot of ultra-dork fanboys are horny over this character. You guys need to get laid!

**NC VO:** So as it turns out, this lady is a local thief named Chel.

**GLaDOS VO:** The enrichment center reminds you that the character here is not the silent protagonist from _Portal_, but is instead the surprisingly bland love interest who is given poor development and is difficult to care about, aside from her body that many horny fanboys are attracted to. ...Human men are weird.

**Chel:** Well, if you guys want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're going to need my help.

**NC VO:** She proposes that she'll help Tulio and Miguel with their little scam, so long as they bring her with them when they leave the city with the gold. And why does she want this?

**Chel:** Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You got your reasons, and I got mine.

**NC VO:** Yep. She suffers from Disney Princess Syndrome!

**NC:** Well, at least she's not going to sing a song about how she's bored and wants more... No really, she's not going to sing. There really isn't a lot of singing in this movie, thank God!

**NC VO:** So Tulio and Miguel agree to let her join in, and they also show us that they are, in fact, straight, or maybe they swing both ways. But while Miguel is enthusiastic about it (not surprisingly), Tulio doesn't trust her and wants to set down some boundaries. And by the way, any find this a little suggestive? (Green arrows point to Tulio flapping his pants as though he is jacking off)

**Tulio:** We are pretending to be Gods! Now, put Chel in the mix, what does the voice say?

**Miguel:** ...Chel is... off limits?

**Tulio:** _*Ding!_ Bravo! Chel is off limits! Shake on it!

(They Shake)

**NC VO:** Yeah! Bros before hoes! Ah huh huh!

So they head down to the village where the chief has a party all set up for them.

**Chief:** Big smile, like you mean in!

**NC VO:** So they head down and enjoy the party, where_ even the horse_ gets drunk! And they sing a little song.

**Miguel:** So let's be Gods! The perks are great!

**Tulio:** Yeah.

**Miguel:** El Dorado on a plate,

**Tulio:** Thank you.

**Miguel:** Local feelings should not be rebuffed...

**Tulio:** Never rebuff, never rebuff the local feelings!

**NC VO:** And you know what? I don't really know what to say about this song. The lyrics are okay, if a little bland, and it goes with some nice visuals. It's relatively pointless, it just really talks about how hard it's going to be for the guys to act like Gods. There's nothing really good about it, nothing really bad. I guess there's nothing really bad about having it in the movie.

But anyway, it's the only song in this movie where the characters sing. All the other songs are Elton John montages.

So we cut to the next morning and- oh, thank God, they still have their clothes on. Hey, wait, when did they get changed?

(Tzekel-Kahn drops his head down over them wearing his make-up)

**Tulio and Miguel:** GAAAHHH!

**NC:** AAAHH! What the Hell?

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Good morning, my lords!

**Miguel:** He's back!

**NC:** Yeah, if I woke up to a weird priest wearing clown make-up watching me sleep, I'd have the same reaction.

**NC VO:** So Tzekel-Kahn wants to try to impress Tulio and Miguel by sacrificing one of the locals. And it seems that in El Dorado, sacrificing is done by throwing people into a giant toilet, which they believe is the portal to the spirit world, Xibalba.

**NC:** Really? Toilets are portals to the spirit world? (Looks worried) Well, then the spirits are probably really pissed at us by now.

**NC VO:** Now, if Tzekel-Kahn were trying to impress a ten or twelve-year-old, this might have worked. But for two grown men, it's a bit of a different story.

**Tulio:** (Before Tzekel-Kahn brings his hammer down on the man) Stop! This is not a proper tribute!

**Tzekel-Kahn:** You do not want the tribute?

**Miguel:** N-No-No! We want tribute.

**NC:** Bring this man back to our chambers. Now that would be a nice tribute!

**Audience:** BOOOOOO!

**NC:** (Waits for them to stop) Okay, maybe that was crossing the line a little. I'm sorry everyone. I know I've already made a lot of gay jokes. I'll try to keep them to a minimal here from here on in, and I won't go too far with them. Okay?

**Audience member:** (after a pause) You're an asshole!

**NC VO:** So after telling the creepy guy in the make-up to piss off, the chief offers to give Tulio and Miguel gold as a tribute instead of a sacrifice, which, as you can imagine, they are more than happy to accept.

**Chief:** Take the tribute to the Gods' temple!

**NC VO:** Meanwhile, we see that Cortes and his armada had arrived on the beach, and are on the their trail.

**Cortes:** Well well. What have we here?

**NC:** Okay, wait a minute. How did Tulio and Miguel get there before Cortes did?

**NC VO:** (Clips of earlier in the film, during the boat scenes) We saw them. While the conquistadors were on a course, going straight for Cuba, knowing exactly where they were going, Tulio and Miguel were out lost at sea for who knows how long! They should be far_ behind_ the conquistadors!

**NC:** But I digress.

**NC VO:** So the "Gods" ask the chief to build them a boat so they can carry all their gold back to Spain... except how is the boat going to get them anywhere?

I mean it can only carry them to the other side of the waterfall where they came in. We never see a river which means after leaving the city, they would have to carry the gold to the sea by land.

But again, I digress.

So the Chief says that the boat will take three days to build. And to be honest, this is where things start to get boring. You'll see how in a moment.

So Tulio wants them to lie low and be a shun-in for the next three days while the boat is built, but Miguel wants to take a look around the city.

**Tulio:** No! Don't even move!

**Miguel:** For three days?

**Tulio:** Yes! Don't even breathe!

**NC VO:** But of course he sneaks off and takes a look around, leaving Tulio and Chel alone. She starts to put the moves on him, but at first he's unwilling.

**Tulio:** Look, sweetheart, we're in the middle of a con here. I can't afford any tempt-ugh-distractions. So I'm sorry (checks Chel out) SO sorry. Uhhh, but perhaps another time?

**Chel:** Hm. Too bad, I'm free now.

**Tulio:** I'm not really... sure I trust you.

Chel: Hmm, I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?

**NC:** Just do it already!

**NC VO:** Meanwhile we see Miguel exploring the city and getting to know the people and have fun, for several minutes I might add, and it's all in tuned to another Elton John song, so you know it's pretty much pointless.

(Shows a little part of the montage, and cuts back to NC groaning in boredom and annoyance.)

**NC VO:** So we get back to Tulio and Chel as we see that they did get to it.

**Chel:** What is he going to think if he finds one of the Gods like this with me?

**Tulio:** Hmmm... lucky God?

**NC:** You know, for kids!

**NC VO:** So Tulio seems to remember that Miguel has run amuck, and... because that seems to be the only big problem going on right now, he and Chel get ready to go off to find him. But before they leave, the priest comes on over.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** I-I-I humbly request an audience with you, my lord.

**Tulio:** Lord yes. What can I do for ya?

**Tzekel-Kahn:** If I may be so bold as to offer some adivce?

**Tulio:** Alright. Shoot.

**NC VO:** So Tzekel-Kahn tells Tulio about The Age of The Jaguar, which I guess is the El Dorado name for the apocalypse. First he talks about how evil the people of El Dorado really are.

**Claude Frollo VO:** The world is cruel, the world is wicked.

**NC VO:** Okay, he doesn't sing about it, thankfully, but he DOES show off that he has some magical powers and smoke illusions, Dr. Facilier style, as he compares human beings to animals.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Like snakes (creates smoke snakes), spineless and slithery. They are as untrustworthy as rats (creates smoke rats from the pears), stealing and cheating, with no remorse.

**Dr. Facilier VO:** I got voodoo, I got Who-do, I got things I havn't even tried, and I got friends on the other side!

**NC VO:** And I guess they're trying to make this scene more enticing for kids, but it doesn't really work. You still have to pay attention to the dialogue to understand what's going on, and it's still pretty boring.

He reveals that he wants to sacrifice all the people of El Dorado to the Gods, and that I guess he thinks this will earn him a place at their side.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Will you be devouring their essence whole or piece by piece?

**NC:** Tzekel-Kahn, you silly goose! That doesn't happen until December 2012!

**NC VO:** But this only leads Tulio to think that the priest is an even bigger nutball than before, I guess he didn't totally get the message when he was watching them sleep, and he tells Tzekel-Kahn to hold off on the sacrificing for a little while longer, as he and Chel go off to find Miguel.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Finally, we're connecting.

**NC VO:** Eh, I don't really like the way he said that. And I don't like that look he's giving them. In fact have you noticed the way he's been looking at them and walking around them all along? Kinda creepy. Is everyone's sexual preference left ambiguous in this movie?

And you know, the villain just explained his evil plot, but I'm still totally bored! It still feels like nothing important is going on!

This is one of those movies that are so boring that I wonder what's going on with the side characters. Like what is taking Cortes so long? How is his journey going? Is he okay? Oh, there he is. (Clip of Cortes and his men going through a gorge)

**Cortes:** This way!

**NC VO:** Why is it taking so long for him to find El Dorado? Tulio and Miguel got there after just a few minutes worth of an Elton John Montage! I say give the conquistadors a montage so they can get to El Dorado faster, and we can see some action.

But... I digress. So they find Miguel playing kickball with some kids, and Tzekel-Kahn proclaims-

**Tzekel-Kahn:** The Gods should not be playing ball like this!

**NC VO:** In another attempt to get on their good side, in whatever way you want to interpret that, he arranges a bigger ball game. It's like basketball, but without...

**NC:** Actually I can't think of a good NBA joke to make here. Sorry people. Remind me next time. I ow you one NBA joke.

**NC VO:** Our heros versus the toughest warriors in the tribe. And as you might expect, at first they get their asses kicked.

And why is this important? Well apparently Gods don't loose, so if they loose here, their cover will be blown. So they try cheating by swapping the ball with an armadillo, and getting a lift from their horse.

**NC:** And you know what? (Angry) IT'S BORING!

**NC VO:** Maybe if you felt like they were in some real danger, this would be exciting, but for the next ten minutes, you feel like you're watching an animated sports movie!

(Start showing _Space Jam_ clips)

Oh, and I don't mean like _Space Jam_. No. That at least had the wackiness and cartoonish affects that made Looney Tunes fun to watch. Plus, they beat the crap out of Granny! (show clip of alien players dog-piling Granny) Hehehe.

In here, there's pretty much nothing interesting to watch! Hell, the only thing that would make this scene more boring is a sports announcer.

(As a sports announcer) And here we see Tulio and Miguel are totally exhausted, and need to hold each other up, but the warriors are still hanging in there, not showing any sign of fatigue. It looks like they have this game for a shoe-in! And... oh, God this is boring! Where is the plot?

So Tulio and Miguel win, of course, and we can get back to the story. Tzekel-Kahn suggests sacrificing the warriors, but not wanting to destroy the beauty or the wonderful people of the city, Miguel puts a stop to him.

**Miguel:** Look, Tzekel-Kahn, forget about the sacrifices. We don't want any sacrifices!

**Tzekel-Kahn:** But as are the sacred writings. Saying that you will devour the wicked and the unrighteous.

**Miguel:** Well I don't see anyone here that fits that description. (Jump Cut) There will be no sacrifices! Not now! Not ever! Get out!

(Clip of Tzekel-Kahn noticing Miguel's cut, and looks at it with amazement.)

**NC:** (Looking confused) What's with him? Does blood turn him on? Well... I guess that explains why he wants to shed so much of it...

**NC VO:** So anyway, after that scene, for several minutes, things go back to the way they were before the game. The boat is being built, Miguel has fun with the people again, Tulio and Chel flirt some more, all taking place over the next couple of days, and it's still totally boring!

(Show clips of the "filler", NC just glares at it, looking annoyed or exhausted.)

Seriously! What is taking Cortes so long? How is his journey going? Are his men well? Are they in danger?

Or better yet, what about Tobin Bell's character? That fat guy from the beginning? What's _his_ story? What is he up to right now? I'm sure whatever they're up to is more interesting and worth my time than this crap!

I guess the story was suppose to focus more on how Tulio and Miguel are saving the city from sacrifices and death, rather than the whole gold scam, but the former element just doesn't feel all that important of built upon.

Well, Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh here. We do find out by the end of the second day that the boat is almost done, and that Tulio and Miguel are starting to drift apart. Miguel befriends the chief, who seems to have discovered his secret, but I guess since he stopped the sacrificing, the chief's cool with it. He even offers to let Miguel stay in the city.

**Chief:** You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so.

**Miguel:** (Pauses, looks out at cave across the river) Ugh, no I have to go back with Tulio, we-we're partners.

**NC VO:** (As Miguel) Yeah, Tulio's a loyal friend! He would never sneak behind my back and break his promises and- (cut to Tulio and Chel making out as Miguel watches from the door) oh, look, he's sneaking behind my back and breaking his promises. Okay, screw him!

**Tulio:** I want you to want... what you... want.

**Chel:** (Surprised) Go on...

**Tulio:** Alright. Cards on the table. I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Mostly me. Especially me. Only me. Forget Miguel.

**NC VO:** What an asshole.

**Chel:** Well... as long as that's what you want, me too.

**NC:** Of _course_! Because a love triangle is _exactly_ what kids were thinking when they saw THIS trailer!

(shows action-packed trailer with the stone jaguar)

You're probably wondering if that monster is in this movie at all by this point. Try to hang in there for another few minutes.

**NC VO:** So Tzekel-Kahn figures out that Tulio and Miguel aren't gods. How? Because Miguel got wounded in the ball game, and that doesn't happen to gods. Well that's why he had that look when he saw the blood, but I still wouldn't be surprised if this guy had a blood fetish.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Do you know why the gods demand blood?

**Guard:** I don't know.

**NC:** (As Guard) I don't even know the names of my gods!

**Tzekel-Kahn:** (Cuts his hand and rubs it on the tablet) Because gods don't bleed! It's time to take the future into my own hands.

**NC VO:** So he decides to whip-up magic golem to finish them off.

(Cut to the next night where Tzekel-Kahn and his guard are working on a potion.)

**Tzekel-Kahn:** (Sniffs potion) Gaaah! (Does not appear satisfied) Hmm... Seems to be missing something.

**NC VO:** (As Guard) Oh, sorry sir. It says here to add a tablespoon of cocaine. I guess I missed that.

(Regular voice) So he finishes his potion, and brings a giant stone jaguar statue to life.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** Do as I command!

**NC VO:** As he sets it loose upon the city.

**NC:** And then, to be fair, Tulio and Miguel's reaction to the golem popping up is one of the funniest scream moments you'll ever see in any movie. Here, watch this.

(Shows clip of Jaguar golem crawling out of a pyramid. Tulio and Miguel glare at it for a moment, then scream in really high-pitched, girly screams, making priceless faces.)

**NC:** (Giggles) Can we see that again?

(Tulio and Miguel scream again)

**NC:** (Laughs harder) I-I could watch that for hours.

(Repeat clip three or four more times)

**NC VO:** (VO clips of Tulio and Miguel in their thrones before the jaguar pops up) It just comes out of nowhere. After listening to the manly voices of Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh, there's no way you would be expecting a scream that girly.

**NC VO:** Alright, back to the movie. So the guards try to fight off the golem, but they are useless.

(One guard gets dropped)

**Guard:** I'm okay! (Gets stepped on) I'm still okay!

**NC:** I just got every bone in my body crushed into powder by a giant stone statue. Nothing to worry about!

**Chel:** Come on! Get on!

**NC VO:** (As Jaguar) Zuul Motherfucker! Zuuuul!

(Normal voice) So we get an admitingly exciting chase scene as the Jaguar statue chases them through the city, through a cave of molten lava- hi, how long has the city had one of those?

I'm sorry, I know I'm nit-picking here, but you can't just throw a pit of lava into this city near the end and expect to just go along with it. We need to have seen it sooner. Oh well. It's still pretty damn cool when they chase across it.

But there is another thing that bothers me. So Tzekel-Kahn, you've had all these powers; you can burn lenin, create animals out of thin air, heal wounds, and create giant stone monsters. Why couldn't you just bring on the age of the Jaguar before this? What were you waiting around for the gods for?

**NC:** If you used your own powers, you could have everyone in this city kneeling before you if you wanted!

**New voice:** Oh, well I have an explanation for that! (Camera pans to Chester A. Bum)

**NC:** What could _you_ have to say about this plot hole?

**Bum:** Well, you see, Tzekel-Kahn is a very religious man. He doesn't think he should do anything without the permission from the Gods. He just wants to please them, and wait for when they say so to bring on the Age of the Jaguar.

**NC:** (Looks both confused bewildered for a moment.) Ummm... okay. I guess that makes sense. Alright. Thanks.

**Bum:** I'll let you get back to your review now. Oh, but first, one last thing.

**NC:** Yeah, what?

**Bum:** Change! Ya got change?

**NC:** (Raises his gun) Get out of here!

**Bum:** Eeek! (Bolts off)

(NC puts his gun down and turns back to the screen.)

**NC VO:** So anyway, the jaguar finally corners our heros right over the giant toilet as Tzekel-Kahn comes up to mock them.

**Tzekel-Kahn:** I know what you are, and I know what you are not, and you are not gods!

**Tulio:** You-you're not a god? You lied to me?

**NC VO:** So they do what they did at the beginning of the movie, and have a fake argument, we actually don't think we've seen them argue for a long time. And it erupts into a real argument it seems, and the two decide to go their separate ways.

**Miguel:** Well, why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll both get what we want.

**Tulio:** That's fine with me, pal!

**Miguel:** Fine with me too! (They start shoving and slapping and punching each other, all while Tzekel-Kahn watches them, amused.)

**NC:** (Makes angry cat noise)

**NC VO:** Then they try to take out the priest, but before they can tie him up, he turns on his monster again.

(The monster jumps to the edge of the cliff, and makes it fall. Tulio and Miguel jump off to the vines and swing to safety. The cliffside breaks off, and Tzekel-Kahn and his golem fall down into the whirlpool.)

So Tzekel-Kahn falls into the whirlpool, and then gets sucked into another little cave and ends up in a pond out in the jungle. How he didn't drown or hit a rock, I don't know. There, he runs into Cortes and his men.

**Cortes:** (Pointing a gun at Tzekel-Kahn and noticing the gold earings.) Where did you get this?

**NC VO:** And so Tzekel-Kahn remembers one of his drawings that looks like Cortes, and realizes that Cortes is the guy who was suppose to bring on The Age of the Jaguar. It all adds up. And so he leads him to El Dorado.

Come morning in the city, Tulio and Chel are ready to take the boat and leave, but of course not before squeezing in one more Elton John song about saying goodbye to everyone.

(Shows clip of during song "Friends Never Say Goodbye".)

**Miguel:** Well, good luck.

**Tulio:** Yeah. You too.

**NC VO:** But before Tulio and Chel can leave, they see smoke in the distance, and the plot truly starts to thicken.

So Tulio tries to come with a plan to save the city. Why it's him and not Miguel, I don't know.

**Tulio:** That's it! We'll crash the boat into the pillars!

**Chel:** That's it? I mean- but... what about the gold?

**NC:** (Sarcasm) Du-Whaaa? Could it be? There are things in life more important than money?

**NC VO:** So we come to our relatively boring climax as they put Tulio's plan into action. ...Well it's not totally boring. It starts out intriguing but becomes boring at a later point.

They plan on dropping a huge pillar into the river to make a title wave to launch the boat into the pillars. But they do it too soon, and the pillars break too fast. Tulio tries to get the sail down, but the rope gets stuck. Good thing Miguel is there to save the day!

**Tulio:** Are you crazy?

(Miguel and Altivo jump onto the boat dramatically, El Dorado natives are shocked to see him leave.)

**Tulio:** Get off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again!

**Miguel:** I know. You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun, do you?

**NC VO:** So they manage to catch the wave, make it through the tunnel, and take down the pillars, making the tunnel cave in, which is pretty bad news for Tzekel-Kahn.

**Cortes:** You lying heathen! (Jump cut) There is no El Dorado here! Onward men!

**NC VO:** So after the bad guys leave, Miguel is happy that he's had his adventure, Tulio gets over not having any gold, but at least he's got a hot girlfriend, they're bros again, and they ride off into the sunset bound for their next adventure.

**NC:** And you know, there are rumors that Dreamworks was actually once planning on making sequels about those adventures. ...But really, would you want to see more movies about these guys?

**NC VO:** On the bright side, the animation is spectacular, the voice acting is pretty good, it's nice to see them taking some chances in terms of content, and they do get out some genuinely funny moments here and there.

But all of that is suppose to be icing on the cake. The rest of this cake is dull and tasteless! The _story_ is not interesting. The _characters_ are not interesting. Even the scenes that are suppose to be exciting, not interesting! It's all so bland and underdeveloped, has a lot of plot holes, and a lot of it just rips off _Disney_ in some way. You're left feeling really dissappointed; you feel like the movie never tapped into its true potential.

This was a big step-back for _Dreamworks_, especially if you compare this to _The Prince of Egypt_. That being said though, it's not a _horrible_ movie, and it's not a terrific one either. It's worth a watch if you think you'd be interested in any of this 's just... bland, maybe a little bit better than that. It's bland with just a few redeeming qualities.

**NC:** And besides, it could have been a LOT worse. I mean at least nothing crazy or over the top happened... Like... El Dorado being ruled by aliens! He he! I mean what kind of stupid idea is that?

(As he laughs, a poster of _Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull_ sneaks past him)

Hahahehahahe! Who would be dumb enough to do something like that? Hahahahaha! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! (Exits as usual.)

(Credits Roll. "It's Tough To Be A God" plays.)

**Clips from:**

**_The Road to El Dorado_**

**_The Prince of Egypt_**

**_Saw II_**

**_Pocahontas_**

**_Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn_**

**_The Hunchback of Notre Dame_**

**_The Princess and the Frog_**

**_Space Jam_**

**Ending Tagline:** _Tulio and Miguel screaming_

**Author's Notes: Well, there we have it. I would really love to see Walker do a _Nostalgia Critic_ Review for this movie, but at this point, I'm kind of having my doubts that he ever will, so I put this in. I think if he did do a review for this movie, this is how I imagine it would go.**

**Even back when I was a kid, I thought this movie was slow and boring for the most part. I really thought it was a little disappointing. Another thing: To me it always seemed that Cortes was the main villain of the film. Tzekel-Kan didn't really seem that important for some reason. I think that's just how bland and uninteresting he (like most of the other characters) was.**

**Maybe I'm being a little too harsh on this movie though. It's okay, and it may have been given a little more development than I'm giving it credit for, but in the end, I'm trying to satirize it as much as I can to make this review funny, as I'm sure Doug would have.**

**At first, I was planning on writing this as a session of _Bland Shit 101_ like his _Blank Check_ review. I thought it would work because it's about this great animation studio taking a big step backwards, but then I decided not to because I couldn't think of enough sarcastic remarks to make.**

**Hey, have you seen his review of _One Simple Wish_. It started out like a typical NC review, but I like how he ended it, with that special guest star appearance of the real Mara Wilson (who is pretty hot now :)). That was really cool, along with Doug's older embarassing videos as a kid. And then that ending with Wilson laughing like an evil witch with those eyes and music? That was freaking scary! DON'T watch that in a dark room!**


End file.
